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The last Christmas we had spent in my natal home, two years before, had been distinguished by my brother and I having a stand-up fist fight in the street, smiting one another until we fell into the privet – a small suburban nightmare.

No, I would spend Christmas, and the nights that book-ended it, alone, in bed.

There would be no decorations, nor carolling, no wassailing, no sub-mistletoe canoodling, no stuffing, no adoring of the Christ Child, no saturnalia, no potlatch.

All I'd do was agitate the Marines and squint at the telly (but only when it was showing epics).

To kick off, Will Self remembers a perfect Christmas – with none of the trimmings Joy Division and a Vesta curry by Will Self When I was 20 I tried to spend Christmas alone.